Pre-Surgery Musings

So, I grew up in a world that values what people look like. This has made me very self-conscious and worried about things like my appearance but also my heath, happiness and well-being. I think that ultimately in life you should be worried first and foremost about being happy. As bad as it sounds, many people value their looks to the point that it dictates their happiness. I will admit; I tend to be one of these people.

Being valued for your appearance has always been the case but the stereotype of beauty has changed over time. Most recently, “Thin is in.” You see the magazines and ads with the girls who seem to get skinnier and skinnier as time goes on. Back in the 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, etc. women weren’t toothpicks. Women were shown as “normal” rather than as some kind of icon to live up to. Now, don’t get me wrong, there were women who were idolized who were sex symbols but they were women of ample curves or high scale standing. Examples of each of these were Marilyn Monroe and Jackie O. Even children who were on the chubbier side weren’t considered to be a problem. Shirley Temple is a good example of this. It is the way that the world has evolved that makes actors and other celebrities have issues with the way they look and end up with eating disorders or addictions.

Certain societies value women for their size. In some places in Africa, a woman is considered to be healthy and wealthy if she is bigger. In Western societies, it is considered to be a bad thing. A woman is overweight or obese if she is full-figured at all. She is seen as someone who doesn’t exercise (is a “couch-potato”) and overeats constantly. Depression, lack of interest in life and boredom are all associated with binge eating. Some people turn to purging afterwards to rid themselves of the food and guilt and then eat again to counteract the guilt. It’s a vicious circle. I will admit, I have been depressed and turned to eating, but not in years. In high school I would occasionally sit and snack on things due to boredom or depression. However, I was one of those odd ones who would snack on fruits, veggies and popcorn. So while it was snacking, it wasn’t completely a bad thing. As I got older, I’d stop eating when I was tired, depressed, bored or any other major emotion. I was living on one or two meals (maybe) a day but in the long run, my metabolism was all over the place.

I tried some of those “fad” diets with the points through Weight Watchers and eating like 6 meals a day through Jenny Craig. I ended up cheating on the points by only eating one meal a day and eating junk at times and I lost 20 or so pounds and then hit a plateau, staying within 10 pounds either direction. With eating 6 times a day – three meals and three snacks – I felt like I was overeating, I wasn’t ever hungry and I stopped eating when I realized that I could drink shakes instead of eating. Over the two years I was doing the second one, I lost about 20 pounds but then put 5 or so back on, hit a plateau and then didn’t lose anymore and got incredibly frustrated with myself.

In 2005 I went to see my family doctor and explained that I had tried both of the aforementioned diets and that my doctor in Lethbridge had put me on some meds that had caused my system to excrete all fat but it had made my stomach so upset that it was pointless to take because I didn’t want to eat anything at all. It was also embarrassing because it tended to make my stomach cramp up to the point that I couldn’t stand or drive for too long. Being in the fetal position was the only thing that made me feel better and I couldn’t live like that. He told me he could refer me to a doctor in Vancouver or one in Medicine Hat and that the doctor in MH had a better reputation but the wait could be longer. I didn’t care about the wait and he referred me. In the Spring of 2008, I went to see Dr. Carl Nohr in MH. He weighted and measured me and when I was only 3 pounds heavier than I was three years prior to that when my family doctor weighed me. I was impressed with myself because other than swimming a ton, I haven’t been doing anything major other than trying not to constantly eat junk food and drink a lot of water. He booked me for surgery in mid-April 2009. I called to change it and they offered me the 4th of May or the 23rd of March so I took the date in March. I wasn’t worried about missing school; I figured that I would take a few days off if I needed to. That way it wasn’t in the middle of my exam week; which is why I changed it in the first place. The 19th of December I got a phone call asking if I could change to the 8th of January. I panicked a little and talked to my mom. We confirmed and two hours later I got a call back asking if they could change it again. It is now confirmed for the 15th in MH.

I will admit, I’m a little freaked out right now. I’m trying not to think too much about it. I did the pre-admittance blood work and an interview over the phone with the nurse at the hospital. She asked me all kinds of questions about my medical history, family history and so on. She then explained a few things to me about what to expect when it comes to the day of surgery and the 5-6 days I’ll be in hospital. I will have an 8-inch incision below my sternum, I will have a tube up my nose for approximately 4 days, I can’t drink too much after that or I will throw up and no solid food or I will also throw up. I can’t wear my own clothes, I won’t be able to get them on and off because of the tube up my nose and I will be wearing compression bootie-type-things. A couple of things that I still need to check on are I can’t have nail polish on my fingers or toes but I’m not sure about the fake nails. I was told to take out my nose ring. It’s going to be a pain in the ass to put back in or get re-pierced but when I asked about a clear nose retainer, I was told they won’t allow me any facial piercings at all because I might aspirate the stud. I’d like to avoid that.

I’m looking forward to life after surgery, etc. The eating aspect is interesting and I have been looking into high protein foods because that is something that is important afterwards. I am worried about a few things. Some of them are kind of stupid so bear with me…

I’m not feeling very attractive lately because I’m feeling self-conscious about the surgery and my weight and life in general. After being compared to my girl friends for so long, I didn’t bother caring what people thought… Or, I tried not to. I ended up feeling much better about myself when I stopped comparing myself to them all the time. But when your friends are teeny and all you ever hear about is how hot they are, you begin to develop a complex. Plus, a couple of the guys I have dated used to comment about how cute my friends were and went on to cheat on me or date them after we broke up or both. So, here I am, about to go into surgery that is supposed to be life-changing and a happy thing in the long run and all I can do is think that afterwards I will have a cool scar (do guys dig scars?) and a story about it. But if I’m not thinking I’m attractive, what will make anyone else think I am, including my bf? It’s a rock and a hard place for me. Surgery that will ultimately make me healthier and hopefully happier or wait and deal with potential health problems in the future because of a body composition that I can’t control.

Genetically I’m screwed as it is, I’ll end up with type 2 diabetes if I’m not careful and body composition-wise I’m never going to be a size 2. I would be a skeleton if I was a size 2. I have the shoulders of a football player and the hips of a milkmaid. According to something I read years ago, my "ideal" weight for my height is something like 179. The problem is that if I drop that much weight, will I be healthy? According to my BMI I will be "normal" but at what cost?

On that note, my surgery has been scheduled for January 15, 2009 at the Medicine Hat Hospital... I will be in hospital for approximately 5 days if anyone wants to make the trek to come visit. I wouldn't recommend coming before the 16th though. We can take my IV pole for a short walk! :) And for anyone who wants to bring me anything ("contraband" or whatever) just know I can have nothing by mouth for the first 4 days I'm in and even after that, no refined sugars or anything that's not liquid. In other words: water is good, propel is better... I love hand creams, body butters and chap stick (Vanilla or Cocoa Butter are always a good choice!) and those are things I'm allowed to have/use as I may be feeling a bit dehydrated so my skin/lips will be dry. Also, I love stuffed animals (it's the five-year-old in me) and I'm especially partial to Monkeys, Teddy Bears or some Disney characters.

So everyone knows... I am going into this with open eyes and an open mind. I hope that my friends and family can be supportive because I can only do so much on my own! I have heard that along with the physical change is a mental change and a lot of emotions that go with it. Please be patient with me and if you have any questions, just ASK!